Sunday, September 30, 2012

Yuck Yuck Yuck

Last night I was disgusted with myself. 
I had a fell-off-the-wagon-so-I'll-wallow-in-the-mud kind of day yesterday. 
I didn't eat anything until like 1pm and then I couldn't make myself stop. I even rationalized buying a party pizza from wal-mart and ordering in that chinese I've been craving for 2 weeks. Not only did I eat this bad stuff I stuffed myself on good stuff too.. a can of green beans and a can of black beans (at separate times of course). It was bad. Its the worst food day I've had since I was on steroids for my back pain in the spring and at least then I could point to a reason I was eating like a crazy person!

It hit me the hardest when I went to get the cash to pay for my take out. I needed one more dollar than I had on me so I went over to the envelope I have for the $$$ I put in Peggy for my weight loss achievements.
 I was literally stealing from myself.
Exchanging silly excuses of why I needed this food for my reward for abstaining from it. I had to figure out what was going on in my crazy brain of mine. What was the trigger, what set it off this time to the point that every-time I got up from the couch or homework I found myself scouring the fridge for something to put in my mouth. Why couldn't I stop myself?

While I was working the late shift pondering these things while making some rosettes for this fantastic blanket I've embarked on (I'll show you photos when I get it finished, Whenever that might be) I realized that I'm lonely. Not just the I'm-single-and-want-to-be-a-bride lonely, but just in general, in this dorm full of girls I never get a break from either being someone's superior or someone being mine. I've got to find some outlet of peers to meet new people. I love my little friend group but they've really become closer than family and sometimes family doesn't fulfill that social need. They just don't. : ( 

After a long text conversation with my friend J$ I felt super encouraged with a better outlook on this whole thing and a game plan to do some more socializing and not just being around tons of people. 

I just needed to be accountable to all you out there because I definitely double bagged that Pizza and put in under by bag so that the Kids on the bus couldn't see it as easily. Also I have to be accountable to myself for the damage I've done. I know that scale isn't going to show me what I want to see in the morning, but if I skip weigh in it will start a slippery slope that I've been down before. and I can't let myself go there this time. 
I can't.

So there you have it. 
Until tomorrow's ominous weigh in.

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