Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Don't pray that prayer... unless you want it

so ... i know its been a while but I"M BACK!!

So some of you have seen my facebook status about this same topic and i just wanted to expand and share a piece of my life with you guys.

I have been listening to several sermons via podcast from The RAMP , a ministry of Karen Wheaton Ministries in Hamilton, AL. Damon Thompson preaches there on most sunday nights.

He has been preaching a series on the grace to live simply... I highly recommend these podcasts to anyone who is truly seeking God.

In this sermon series he touches on a subject that he has talked about alot in the past. He says that no new believer should be allowed to ask God to make them like his son for at least 10 years . they do not know what they are asking for.

 They know they see the end product and want to be that... but don't realize what is included in that process. When they begin to feel the cutting and removal of their selfish human nature and replacing it with christ it hurts. It hurts deep. When you come to a place where the only one you can count on is him, even excluding yourself, it tears you up. When you feel out of place everywhere but on your knees it is more humbling that anything in the world. When people get to this place they ask God "Why? Why me? Why now? Why does this have to happen?" and they often are too busy praying why and complaining about their situation to hear him whisper "because you asked for it, my beloved, you wanted to be like my son"
This is where people tend to stop seeking this goal, they think they can't handle it, and they can't, no one can, no one survives this and comes out the same person. They come out looking, smelling, and glowing like Christ.
I know this. I know those pains too well. I am right there in the middle of it.
When I Got back to starkville I was at a place with him where i didn't feel comfortable anywhere but on my face crying out to Him. I was holding tears back for a solid week and one wednesday night at Carla and Tim's I just couldn't hold it anymore. God was moving in me. I know that my pain was great and i know he knew that. I know that he said "you can stop this at any time... i will still love you but you can stop here. OR you can keep going and I will use you in a way you will Never be able to imagine... " And at that point... I knew I wanted to be that great woman that he has a Big plan for in the future... if only i could get there. So i gave it up again... and the peace that filled me the next two or so days was overwhelming. and amazing... now everytime something seems to begin to hurt in the pruning process i go back to these truths.... I asked for this, God will complete this good work in me, and I will come out looking like Christ at the end of it.
What could be better??


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

coming home early

I have decided that I see myself as a failure.
I don't want to and i know its neither healthy nor true... but regardless I still view myself in that way.

To let the ones of you who don't know me very well know... I am NOT a quitter. I am a finisher... A perfectionist when it comes to work ethic and finishing things.
I will suffer pain and do major damage to my body and finish something rather than not i finishing.
I can work for anyone.. even awful bosses (not that i've every really had one) because i refuse to quit.
I will put all that I can into a task to finish it up, leaving me empty and exhausted when its over.

I have only quit 4 things in my life... well now make that 5.
1.Softball in 5th grade because of a broken ankle.
2. Band after the 11th grade after some major problems with my back.
3. Tennis tryouts senior year because My body couldn't run the required mile everyday.
4. A job last year because my schedule didn't allow me to do what the job required.
and 5. Summer missions this summer.

and each time i felt/feel like a failure... like I was/am letting people down because I couldn't live up to my own standards.... and in my head i know that that isn't true because people have said over and over again that it wasn't but... I still feel it and the weight of it very heavily on my shoulders

Now... what do i do with this revelation?? I haven't a clue... but at least i can pin point a feeling or two in this crazy confusing time... healing comes slowly

so that is a start on my recovery/self-discovery from the summer

Monday, August 2, 2010

and i can't sleep

so... once again i am awake too late on a night when i should have been asleep a long time ago...

as i tossed and turned in my little twin bed I had so many things on my mind... trying to come up with solutions to problems, thinking about what the future holds, figuring out how to get over something that i really shouldn't be upset about and realizing that coming home early from Alaska this summer has taken a great deal out of me (emotionally and mentally)....

I have started 4 posts in the last week but i got to about the 4th sentence and had to stop because my mind is doing this thing all the time even in prayer and conversations with friends... this thing where there is so much going on and i know and feel so deeply that something is wrong but when i start trying to articulate it into words that i can't seem to formulate what needs to be said or what i want to say....
Its a very frustrating place to be in...

And ... I can't figure out how to get out of this hole... its like a counter that is just high enough that you can't get up on it by yourself... you've tried and you've tried and ... it even looks like you can do it but its just 1 inch too high and you cant seem to find any chairs or stools to help you out in your quest to get up on that counter...
thats how i feel...
I'm ready to get on the counter and out of this hole...
I need to locate the tools...